The Most Wonderful Time of the Year...

The Tree is Trimmed

The Stockings are Hung

The Newsletters are Mailed

The Halls are Decked

Neighbor Gifts Out & Preschool Gifts Done

Cards & Gifts are Arriving

The Focus is Right

I love this time of year!

Hope you all have a Merry Christmas!

Oh ya, I'm pregnant!

So...a friend requested some "belly" pictures. I swear the desire to takes these gets less and less with each child. However, I'm always glad that I have them after the fact, so I decided to take a few. But when I look at these all I can think of is the Hippo song from Madagascar 2- "I like 'em big & chunky." (Have you seen it? You Tube it if not- seriously hilarious).

News Flash: Pregnancy doesn't really get any easier the more kids you have. I laugh now to think I had the time or energy to do stuff like read What to Expect... books with my first pregnancy. I honestly can't even tell you how far along I am right now. Somewhere in the 7.5 months range, but who's counting? (Due Feb. 23- that I do know).

This pregnancy has been um.... eventful? Come to think of it, I have yet to have an uneventful pregnancy. With Jace, we had a scare in the ultrasound (that turned out fine in the end), I worked full time and was serving as Primary President in our ward at the time-(both counselors were dealing with life circumstances- new baby for one and a husband's brain tumor for the other. Plus the primary program was only a month after Jace was born.) Then with Rylee, we moved, were living with my parents, built a house and I was potty training Jace just to name a few. And now all of recent events have played into this pregnancy.

As mentioned before, this pregnancy wasn't exactly "planned" (by us at least). "What? I'm having a baby? I already have a baby!" was pretty much my response. I had planned on a year of a little R&R- but life had a different plan. Go figure!

So... instead, this little guy got me out of a lot of yard work, traveled to San Diego and Bear Lake with us- (I got into my swimming suit, but was not the most comfortable.) I had to sit out on most of the rides at Legoland and pretty much quit working out due to morning sickness (3 months worth) and exhaustion. Then we got the news about Rylee & I would be lieing if I said it has been easy.

The biggest challenge is that I'm not at my best. Pregnancy has caused me to be sick, exhausted, uncomfortable, & suffocated at times. The combination of traveling, going to a million Dr's appointments (Rylee's & mine), holding/comforting a child on my "limited seating" capacity lap, packing a nearly 30 pounder around (now in the snow too- trying not to fall, all while trying to pull those blasted maternity pants back up from sagging.), getting nauseous from the smell of the chemo, all while taking care of a 4 year old, a house and all the other stuff us mom's do has been difficult at times. I'm not complaining, I'm just keeping it real. If life were easy, it wouldn't be hard though, right?

Needless to say, I'm excited to have the pregnancy part over with. However, I must admit that I get a little bit of anxiety with the reality of adding something else to my plate. Sometimes I honestly wonder how I'm going to do it. My best guess is with a lot of help. We'll have a few issues to deal with- Jus will be in tax season, I'll be trying to recover from a C-section, Rylee will just start an intense treatment cycle, besides the fact that we'll now be outnumbered and have a few more Dr. appointments to go to.

But...if there is one thing I know, it's that the Lord works in mysterious ways and he'll never give us more than we can handle. So, I'm just trusting in that. I try not to get too bent out of shape over things that are out of my control. One of the most distinct impressions I had the day that Rylee was diagnosed was the thought, "If I didn't give you everything at once, you'd have too long to dwell on one thing." Well, I've always worked best under pressure. There is no doubt in my mind that our baby boy has a purpose and that this is the right time for him to come to our family. So..put the shoulder to the wheel and push along. We'll get through it one way or another, there is no other choice.

Now if we could only come up with a name for him. Any suggestions?

A Rylee Recap- November

Before November becomes too much of a distant memory for me, I just wanted to journal a little bit about Rylee's past month of treatment.

{This picture is not a current one, it was taken in July, but I've been terrible at taking any pictures lately and I hate it when posts have no pictures.}

This past month, Rylee has been in the second phase of treatment for ALL. It's called Standard Consolidation and lasts 4 weeks (28 days). We've been able to do all of her treatments here in Rexburg this month, which has been such a blessing to not have to travel on top of everything else. This is what it consisted of- we finish it up tomorrow!

1- She's had 3 spinal punctures (once a week). These are done up at the hospital. Basically it's a procedure where the Oncologist pokes her lower back and takes a sample of her spinal fluid, which is then sent off to a lab to check for any signs of Leukemia cells. Then they inject a chemo drug called Intrathecal Methotrexate into the spinal fluid for prevention purposes. I know it sounds complicated, but she's under anesthesia for the procedure, which actually only takes about 20 minutes or so. The whole appointment takes about 2 hours though by the time they prep her, do vitals a hundred times and then once she comes out of it etc.

[This has been much easier to do locally though because she gets the first appointment of the day (we have to be at the hospital by 6:30 a.m.), which is considerably easier than our 3 p.m. appointments at Primary Children's. Because she can't eat or drink anything after midnight due to the anesthesia (which was really more like 6:00 p.m. when we have dinner) it was torture trying to keep a hungry 18 month old content during a 3.5 hour drive, clinic that takes a couple hours and sometimes even through a 2+ hour blood transfusion all while on steroids that made her hungrier than a grown man. Glad that's over!]

2- She only had to have one IV push of the chemo drug Vincristine this month. {She used to get this weekly} This is given through her central line in a syringe. It's done at the Dr.'s office and only takes a few minutes.

3- Had her blood drawn each week to check counts and ANC levels. All of her counts have been pretty good this month. Her white blood cell count is a little low, but that's typical for her condition. Her Hematocrit is back up in the normal range {this was the count that was very scary at diagnosis and why she had to get so many blood transfusions- it was at a 10 and is now up to 37.5%. Normal range is between 30-40%.} ANC (absolute neutrophil [or immune] count) level has been up. Initially this was at 0% and she's now up to about 1.2%. The Dr. says she was at a level 4, which means she really had no ability to fight stuff off and now she's at about a level 2. He hopes to keep her right in this range throughout treatment.

It affects us less since the ANC count has gone up. We can now take her out and about with us more. We've been taking her to church and although nursery was not recommended, I've been taking her in for the music time and she just loves to interact with the kids. We still have to be careful to keep her away from sick people and in crowds due to cold & flu season, but it feel much more free now that she doesn't always have to stay behind.

4- Rylee's been on an oral medication called Mercaptopurine that we had to give to her once a day. She also takes a med called Septra twice a day every Mon. and Tues.

5- She has not lost much more hair. I trimmed up her bangs and the back (growing a small tail ), but I'm still able to do little piggies in the back or a clip or something up front. Little bits fall out when I combing it, but so far, it's not too bad. I'm pretty sure that in another month or two it will fall out. She'll be getting more chemo in the coming months- I'm expecting it to have some effect.

Besides a visit from the home health nurse once a week, that's about it for this month. It was definitely less intense than the first month. And thank goodness it didn't require steroids! They will return later, so I'm appreciating it when we don't have them. I just could not be more grateful for all the prayers on our behalf. Rylee's tolerance for treatment has been remarkable and so far, there is no sign of relapse! Please continue to pray for her- it's working!

We've been given her treatment plan for the next course, which she'll start on Monday. It lasts about 8 weeks (56 days) and will go through right around Feb. 2. In the upcoming months, she'll be given two different chemo drugs (IV push) every 10 days. One of the chemo drugs will increase in dosage each week. Then she'll just have one spinal puncture. We are then told that she'll have about a two week break and then another "intense" course will begin. This is what one Dr. referred to as the "One, two punch." Apparently it's the last hard course before a patient enters the maintenance phase.

So...I can see the light.

Just Around the Corner...

Our outside lights are up.

Tree is up, but not yet decorated.

The first present is wrapped.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas!

So excited to get it all done, but I'll enjoy Thanksgiving tomorrow first.

The Trip Not Taken

This morning at approx. 8 a.m. we were supposed to board a plane to Israel. It's a trip that's been in the works for a few years now. Tickets had been bought, babysitters had been lined up, time off was arranged and we were really looking forward to going. My parents and all of my siblings + spouses are on their way to the Holy Land as I speak. It would have been our first international trip, the first stamp on our passport and is said to be a "life changing" experience.

We opted not to go when Rylee was diagnosed with Leukemia. I guess you could say there were just too many details and concerns to leave behind. So...our tickets were sold, Justin's family got off the hook with taking our kids on for 10 days and our passports sit in our cupboard- unstamped. I guess we got a different kind of "life changing" experience instead.

I'm not feeling sorry for myself- that's not my intention at all. So please don't pity me. We actually feel more relieved about staying- it would have been hard to really relax and enjoy ourselves if we would have gone anyway. It's just a trip. Sometimes sacrifices have to made as parents.

You are the trip I did not take.
You are the pearls I cannot buy
You are my blue Italian Lake
You are my piece of foreign sky.

{Unknown}

So...if you've ever had to miss out on something, for whatever reason, here's another quote I like that keeps it in perspective.

" For everything you have missed, you have gained something else, and for everything you gain, you lose something else."

{Ralph Waldo Emerson}

Today

Today...

I'm loving the last few rainy days. It's given me a chance to dig into some organization projects. Finally getting to my scrapbook room a little. Getting on top of laundry, going through clothes, finding a place for everything. I love to get things organized! I hope to get through all of our new medical paper work today. Pretty sure it doesn't belong in a big heap on the desk.

Also...

Is anyone else getting so excited for Christmas? I can't wait. I've been getting the urge to start decorating, but making myself hold off a few weeks. Maybe after Thanksgiving.

And..

Just curious. How long does everyone hold on to bath towels for? I swear my mom never got rid of a towel growing up, but I've been wondering if it might be time to switch a few out. Almost that feeling of never quite seeming clean, even though I wash them regularly and have even started adding some Clorox into the wash. We got most of our towels we use for our wedding, about 6.5 years ago. Is there a standard on this?

Opposition in All Things

This summer, we put our yard in ("we" really means Justin). Hydro seed was basically the last step- the one I couldn't wait for- Grass! I wanted the instant gratification of sod, but settled for the more economical choice of hydro seed. Weeks went by and we finally started to see our small little budding grass. Then came the weeds & still sit the sprouting weeds amongst our little baby grass. Whenever I look out our window, I think about opposition. Nice that we have grass, not so nice that we have the weeds in the grass.

A few weeks ago, I was on my way home from the grocery store. Long day, ready to get home & get on to the next thing. But what stands in my way? A long train going down the track, blocking the road home. Glad for means of transport, not so glad for the delays.

This weekend, opposition proved itself once again. Rylee and her cousin were playing. Not quite sure how or what happened, but our little cousin somehow managed to break Rylee's central line. Rylee came out to alert me, cousin came out to say she pulled Rylee's "tag" off. I lift up her shirt to a bloody muddle, grabbed the emergency clamp, made a few flustered phone calls and rushed out the door to the E.R. (FYI: the central line is essentially her life-line. It's connected to her heart, everything goes in and out of this line- blood draws, transfusions, chemo, anesthesia, etc.)

Two wasted hours at Madison Memorial E.R., an 8 hour round trip drive to Primary Children's, a mended central line and 12 exhausting hours later, we pulled back into our garage, climbed into our beds and realized once again that there truly is opposition in all things. Great news that treatment is going well and that remission was achieved, feeling that we could now relax a bit- not so great of news to have a complete accident happen, a little scare and unexpected set-back. Opposition!

In Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin's talk at conference he addressed this very issue. He said, "I know why there must be opposition in all things. Adversity, if handled correctly, can be a blessing in our lives. We can learn to love it." Essentially...come what may, and love it! Whether it's weeds in the grass, a train down the track or a broken central line, we can learn to love what we learn from it. Because really, most opposition or adversity doesn't last forever. The grass will eventually take over the weeds, the train will go down the track and central lines can be repaired. Opposition can be overcome. And... I'm learning everyday how it really can become a blessing. I've experienced so many instances that I've really come to know the truth in this. We are gaining so much, despite our loss.

What I learned to love from this last bit of opposition was to appreciate what I used to have day in and day out- "normalcy." I never used to fully appreciate it for what it was- my perspective has now been changed and I have learned contentment. I found this poem that explains it perfectly.

"Normal day, let me be aware of the treasure you are. Let me learn from you, love you, bless you before you depart. Let me not pass you by in quest of some rare and perfect tomorrow. Let me hold you while I may, for it may not always be so. One day I shall dig my nails into the earth, or bury my face in the pillow, or stretch myself taut, or raise my hands to the sky and want, more than all the world, your return. {Mary Jean Iron}

As we were driving back from Salt Lake in the wee hours of the morning, I layed my head on Justin's shoulder and told him that some day we'll have it back. Our "normal." This too shall pass. And I wonder why I sometimes thought it was so hard before. I will cherish the day when Rylee can play without worry, when we no longer have weekly Dr. appointments or treatments to go to, when there will be no need for daily medications, when she can go out and about without fear of germs or getting dangerously sick, when a week goes by that we aren't waiting on one test result or another, when giving her a bath will no longer require saran wrap, press 'n seal or tape to protect her dressing, when she can lay her belly down and submerge in the water and kick and get water wherever she wants to without risk of getting infection in her line. Just a good 'ol normal day. Bless that day! I will be grateful for it.

But for now...we'll learn from our opposition. Because without the opposition, we wouldn't recognize what a blessing life is-just plain old simple, normal life. We could not rid Rylee of this disease without dealing with some opposition. And it's worth every bit of opposition for us to do so. Beautiful daughter, terrible disease. Opposition! Accidents happen, just grateful that it all worked out. Come what may!

(And just to be clear- there are no hard feelings over this. Her cousin is only a little older than Rylee & does not understand or know better. We were all shocked that it even happened. It really wasn't anyone's fault. This is new to all of us and with this comes some adjustments, changes and lessons learned.)

A Glimpse/Update: Rylee's First Phase

So...I've been meaning to do some updates on Rylee and then I decided to hold off until we got the results back from the bone marrow test that she got last week. Thursday, Oct. 30 was Rylee's Day 28-the last day of Induction or the first phase of treatment. She had to have a bone marrow test and also a spinal puncture, where they've been giving chemo into the spinal fluid to prevent any Leukemia cells from forming there.

It's hard to believe that a month has already past since her diagnosis. Even harder to believe all that we've experienced in just a month's time. I think most of it has sunk in and we've got a pretty good handle on things now, although there are moments when this is still difficult to fully comprehend: what we're dealing with and what's ahead. The month has been full of ups and downs, but overall, it's been better than I was initially expecting. I decided to give you all a little glimpse at what it's been like in this first phase.

This past month (October) Rylee has gone through a lot. She's been diagnosed with ALL (Acute Lymphocytic Leukemia), gone on 2 ambulance rides and one ride on life flight, spent nearly a week at Primary Children's Hospital, had a central line inserted in her chest, has had 4 red blood cell transfusions and 3 platelet transfusions, gone through 4 rounds of chemo, got a PEG (chemo) shot into a muscle in her leg, had an EKG, been put under for 4 bone marrow aspirates and 3 spinal punctures, she's had 3 chemo treatments in her spine, taken steroids twice a day everyday, has had the appetite of a teenage boy, gained over 5 pounds and got all puffed up due to the steroids, been on and then off of an antibiotic administered through her central line every 8 hours for nearly a week, has taken a medication (Septra) twice a day every Monday and Tuesday to prevent pneumonia, taken several other medications daily, visited the Dr. once a week, got her blood taken and tested every week, her hair has thinned, she got thrush in the mouth for a few days and has had a bad diaper rash, that we've been treating with yet another medication. And somehow this child has managed to keep smiling and be happy.

But...the good news is that she's achieved remission! I know it may seem soon to some, however, about 95% of leukemia patients achieve remission in the first month of treatment. She actually achieved remission on her Day 14- they achieve remission if they have 5% or less leukemia cells detected in the bone marrow and blood. Two weeks ago, Rylee's was at 1% and this week's results detected 0% in the bone marrow, blood and on the molecular level. It is what was expected and certainly what we have been hoping and praying for. Otherwise, more intense treatment would have been necessary.

We wish it was just that easy though-that it was all said and done in a month. Through studies and research, they have found that it always relapses if they don't treat leukemia for just over 2 years (about 3.5 years for boys). And it most commonly relapses in the spinal fluid, which then affects the brain and central nervous system. That's why they do chemo in the spine, to prevent any bad cells from going there. So..essentially, this is just the beginning for us. There is still a long road ahead. But...the good news is that we're going to be able to move the majority of her treatments to Rexburg now. Still weekly for now- she'll still get a spinal punctures weekly, but no more bone marrow tests will be necessary, unless relapse happens. We'll learn more about the next phase of treatment this week, but basically they have taken her off the steroids for awhile and she'll start a new type of chemo and possibly some other meds as well. This week will just be blood work because to move to the next phase, it's count dependent. Dr. Jeff Hancock is a pediatric oncologist here & he trained at Primary Children's and the Mayo Clinic. He's from Rexburg originally and just joined Dr. Dixon's practice about 2 years ago. He is highly recommended at Primary's and he was the specialist they called in at the E.R. that originally gave us Rylee's diagnosis. We feel really good about him & even better that he's close and convenient since the winter weather is on it's way & I'm getting bigger & bigger each day being pregnant.

As I've said before, there is a lot of hope for Rylee. Based on age at diagnosis, type of leukemia, sex and response to treatment, Rylee is in a low to standard risk bracket. If treated for just under 2.5 years, they have about an 85%-90% success rate. However, I've seen cancer enough now to know it's unpredictable. Last week I met another parent who's son is almost 6 years old. He was diagnosed at 17 months and they have been at this fight for 4 years. His relapsed in the maintenance phase(last phase) and he is now at his last 10 weeks of his second go-round. The second go is much more intense. I really hope that we'll only have to endure this once, but realize that anything is possible.

Thank you again for your many thoughts, prayers and concern. We continue to feel the strength and power of the many prayers being offered in our behalf. This month, aside from everything that we've been through, we have also witnessed the gospel in action. Faith works, hope is real, charity never faileth, there is power in the Priesthood, prayers are answered, sacrifices of fasting are rewarded, the Spirit guides and comforts us, God knows us and loves us and He has a plan for each of us. There is no such thing as coincidence. He has purpose for all of us and has carefully been preparing this path for us by putting us in the right places at the right times and has blessed our lives with all the right people to help us get through this. We've experienced all of this first-hand, which is really, a post in and of itself.

All About Fall

I have loved this fall! We have had some pretty decent weather and I just love all of the decorations, treats and activities that come with this time of year.

The Treats:

What would fall be without treats? One day I decided to make some sugar cookies to give Jace something to do. We've been indoors quite a bit, so I need to add something to the mix once in awhile. He had fun putting the candy on top. We also made these cupcakes for the ward Halloween carnival. And...I wish I could take credit for the darling little ghost, but my SIL Hailey found these cute cupcakes at Broulims.






The Activities:

We had a lot of Halloween activities, so the kids (well, mostly Jace) have had lots of chances to dress up. We ventured out to Music Makers (our playgroup). It's the first time Rylee's gone all month- even though we still have to be careful because of her immune levels, I decided to take my chances and let her get dressed up and get out for a change. Then Jace & I attended our ward Halloween carnival. We decided it was a too big of a crowd for Rylee, so Jus stayed behind with her. Jace also dressed up for speech and preschool this week and of course, for the Trunk or Treat on Halloween. We had a handsome 'lil cowboy, a darling lady bug and plenty of loot to last us all year.

Happy Halloween 2008

Mine: Thinking Outside of Yourself

When we were in the hospital, we received a gift basket from some of my extended family, which included this cutest little book called, Priceless Moments by Carol Lynn Pearson. It has a bunch of uplifting stories in it. I was touched by many of these stories, but have been thinking about one in particular this week. It's called "Mine".

"Mine"

We were on our way home after a fun evening with friends, and each of the children had a balloon I had given them. Emily's popped and she burst into tears. Johnny responded, "Good thing it wasn't mine!"

"Mine." Is anything just "mine"?

We seem to be tucked away nicely and privately in our own seperate skin, a warm little wall that protects us from everyone's problems, but our own. And from inside we can peer out and say, "Oh-children are starving in Africa. Good thing they're not mine!" Or we can say, "A house burned down just up the street this morning. Good thing it wasn't mine!"

But the borders are getting less and less clear...Scientists are proving these days that in very subtle ways every living thing is connected. Perhaps like what Jesus must have meant when he said, "Inasmuch as ye have done it unto the least of these, ye have done it unto me."

In some magical way that we will one day understand, whenever flowers are given or balloons are popped, they are mine.

We've had so many simple acts of service given to us lately. It has proven people's willingness to help bear our burdens, even though it might not be "their" problem or burden. For example, On Monday, Zach & Shantay and Greg & Hailey called to see if they could come over for Family Home Evening. They brought dinner (yummy pizza and breadsticks from Papa Murphy's) and a darling fruit spider (that I wish I would have taken a picture of). Then Jace picked a song to sing (I love to see the Temple) and called on someone for prayer. We ended by making these cute spider cupcakes.

We all had a great time & our kids loved having some new blood in the house.

It's just one of many things that people have done to reach out to us during this sometimes difficult time. Even though neither of these guys have kids of their own, they thought of ours. I think of the many people in our ward who willingly fasted in our behalf, even though some of them had no idea who we were. It reminds me of our neighborhood who all signed a cute welcome home poster for when we got back from the hospital to show that they cared or all of the people who finished pulling Super Satuday together for me, knowing that I would not have the time or focus to do it. Or those who took the time and effort to bring meals in or who prepared freezer meals so we can have something fixed in minutes. Or those who have come to watch Rylee so I can take Jace to speech therapy or preschool or so our family can still attend church on Sunday. Or all the cute care packages sent to our family. Or for cleaning our house, praying for us, calling to check in, running errands, etc. There have just been so many examples of people thinking and acting outside of themselves. Even when the problem isn't necessarily "theirs" it's "mine" everyday.

I think of times that I've had this attitude of "oh, well, it doesn't really affect me" before and I guess this is just a good lesson. With the season of giving coming up, remember all of those that may need something (and I don't mean us) and then be that person who sees or realizes that need. I cannot tell you the blessing and relief it is when you're on the other end(and this is the first time I've ever really been on this side), to feel, know and realize that others do care and they are willing to bear your burdens, in big or small and simple ways. There is comfort in knowing that you're not alone.

Well, that's probably enough of my motivational rant. I promise I'm not trying to get a gig as a motivational speaker, just sharing random thoughts of the journey. I have updates on Rylee that I'll post a little later.

Capture the Moment

So...this week I decided to have Rylee's pictures taken. My friend Katie Wells did them & she always does such an awesome job.

I had planned on doing some 18 month pictures and then after everthing happened, I was going back and forth about it- I didn't know if Rylee would feel up to it, didn't know how important it was to focus so much on the "before", etc.

Then this week came & as I've been noticing Rylee's hair thinning more and more each day, I started feeling the importance of NOW. So I called Katie right then to see if she could do them that day. I was much more emotional than I had anticipated I would be. I could barely get through the call. It's just that you always think you have all of this time. If not today, tomorrow, if not this week, next. And then something like this happens and it hits you like a ton of bricks that next week might be too late. I wasn't sure what another round of chemo would bring. And I suppose I wasn't quite ready to face that it might already be time.

I know I'm a little biased, but I think she is a doll. I'm so glad that I decided to capture this moment. She is so precious to me. No matter what happens- she will always be this beautiful to us. I ran across this quote recently, it says "All you have to do is look straight and see the road. And when you see it, don't sit looking at it- walk."(Ayn Rand). It just helped me realize that it is what it is. I don't have to be afraid of it or dwell on it or try to deny it, I just need to go forward, face it and try to gain something from the experience.

To see more pictures, go to http://katieportraits.blogspot.com/. After watching how busy Rylee is during the shoot, I'm always amazed that she can get such cute pictures.

Pretty Normal, Really

I think the one thing that even I am surprised about is really how normal most days are for us. I mean, I guess I should say according to our new normal. We definitely stay home more now as we're trying to keep Rylee free of any bugs, infections, fevers or anything else compromising to her immune system and aside from all the new medication and precautions we have to be careful about, most of our days at home are fairly normal.

I do laundry, cook, clean, the kids play, etc. Rylee certainly has her good days and bad days- at times she doesn't feel well at all. We mostly have to carry her around or hold her at moments like that. But I continue to be amazed at how she's able to bounce back a few days after treatment. It's a great blessing to still see her being her- happy, curious and cute! She's really started saying more words in these past few weeks & I love to hear her talk.

On Monday, Rylee started gaining enough strength to walk around again. Again, what a blessing! It really helps her when she's able to be independent. She's been walking since before 10 months, so she was pretty frustrated when she couldn't get around on her own.

Yesterday was a really good, normal day for her. I got her on video for any of you who have never met her in person, but I can't figure out how to post a video on here. Let me know if you know. I just wanted to show the here and now. I've noticed that when family or neighbors stop by or see her for the first time since she was diagnosed, everyone seems a little shocked at how "normal" she looks. We'll get comments like, "She still has her hair" or "She looks pretty much exactly the same" or "She looks really good- does she feel good?" Again, sometimes we're shocked about this too because we really didn't and don't know what to expect (we're only 2 weeks in)-it really is a day to day thing. Some days are certainly better than others in terms of how she feels. Today she was much less active than yesterday.

We have noticed side effects of the chemo kicking in little by little. Her hair has started to thin, she's gaining weight and eating way more than usual due to the steroids she's on and the steroids also make her a little temperamental and hard to please at times. After treatments, especially after the bone marrow and spinal punctures, she's in a lot more pain and it will take a few days for her to feel up to doing stuff again. I'm not sure what to expect as we get further into treatment. I don't know if it stays the same or gets harder or easier on their bodies. I guess we'll just follow Rhianna's, I mean Jordan Sparks advice and take it one step at a time. (I just heard it announced on the radio today.)

Well, tomorrow's our big day- heading to Salt Lake for another treatment. We got the bone marrow results back & unfortunately, she has to get another bone marrow test tomorrow. She is at an 11.4% blast level and she needed to be 5% or lower to not get it. We're just praying that she'll get to 5% or below by Day 28 (Oct. 30)- if not, she'll move into a higher risk category and have to start more intense treatments. Just pray that her current treatments will be effective. I don't think we could possibly handle any more "intense."

Good News!

We had our ultrasound today and found out that we are having a BOY! Which means I'm 3 for 3. I've always guessed right on what we're having. I feel like I've known it's a boy the whole pregnancy, so no big surprise.

The kids are really excited. When we said we'd be having a new brother, Jace started chanting Boys Rule! Boys Rule!. Then he went and gathered all the baby toys from the basement and brought them up to his room, because him & baby brother might share now. He also wanted to go get all of his old clothes and put them in his dresser today, but I made him hold off on that one for now.

Everything looks good though- every limbs in place, hearts strong and measuring a few days ahead of schedule. We really are excited to welcome a new baby into our family. He's due Feb. 23, but I'll most likely go a week early since I have scheduled C-sections.

It's just a nice reminder that life really does go on. We have a lot to look forward to and much to be grateful for.

No Sugar-Coating Cancer

We got back tonight from Rylee's second treatment. Today was a very hard day for me. It's just that no matter what way you look at it, there is just no sugar-coating cancer. It is devastating for those that have to endure it.

At clinic today, I saw what cancer is and realized that we are now part of a new club. The cancer Club. A lot of different families with a lot of different circumstances in a lot of different phases of Leukemia. Some of us were at the beginning of our road, some were a few months in and others had been battling this for years. We sat next to an 18 year old hispanic girl named Ashley who was a senior in high school and was diagnosed 3 months ago with ALL. She's into her second phase & seems to have it all figured out. She's been struggling to keep up in her AP classes while battling Leukemia. She's the 3rd of six kids in her family and it was her influence and situation that was a deciding factor for her older brother to serve a mission. She hasn't yet lost her hair, but you can see that it's thinning as she had it pulled up into a pony tail. She left for a minute to go talk to another patient that she once met during a hospital stay. That girl was 8 months in & was wearing a darling and stylish hat. Her hair is gone & Ashley commented that it's only a matter of time until that's her. She knows what's to come. And I realized that we'll be where she is around Christmas time.

As Rylee was getting her Chemo, I asked Ashley what it felt like. I almost wished that I hadn't asked. She said it's so hard for her to see little kids have to go through this, because they just don't understand the why. It is encouraging when you see a room full of strong and resilient children. I admire their courage and long-suffering, yet it is so disheartening that they have to spend so much of their childhood in and out of hospitals, going from one procedure to the next and exposing their bodies to such intense medicines.

I just feel so helpless. We're doing all that we can do to rid this from Rylee's body, yet you feel so bad for having her go through this. I just wish I could take this on for her. The reality of what's ahead really set in today. There is no quick fix. It is a long process with ups and downs. We keep hoping for the best, yet there are moments of discouragment. Her ANC level is still at 0%, her platelet level was low, so she had to get a transfusion today and then they had to put her under for the spinal tap and bone marrow testing. We don't know the results yet, but the Dr. said that it looked like the Leukemia cells are still in the bone marrow and that we'll probably have to do that procedure again next week.

Rylee's spirit amazes me though. Despite everything that going on in her little body, she is still so sweet and is happy and loving. She's still got her spunk, even when she doesn't feel all that great. I'll just look at her and wonder how something so deadly could possibly be inside such a beautiful little person. She's still eating and sleeping well and so far seems to be adjusting to all the medication without too extreme of side affects. Her bones and joints hurt so bad right now that she isn't able to walk- even crawling seems to be uncomfortable to her, especially after treatment. It's difficult to see her regress. They say it will come back though. We were able to stop administering the antibiotic for now, so that relieves some of the medicines. Honestly though, I cannot tell you the sweet and simple blessing it is to go into her room each night and just hear her breath in and breath out. That's what keeps me going.

We continue to receive so many nice care packages. Jace can't decide if it's Christmas or his & Rylee's birthdays everyday. Bless his sweet innocence that doesn't quite understand what's happening to his sister. He came with us today & thought the hospital was great- he got pancakes, donuts and a root beer at the cafeteria, saw a big dog roaming the hospital, made several art projects, played, watched TV and brightened Rylee's day. What a good big brother!

We're Home...And Off Again

My phone rang constantly today, so I decided that it was time for a post to let everyone know that all is well. We were able to come home on Monday. We were discharged at about noon. So far, Rylee has been doing pretty good. I think she's just so glad to be home! No fevers and nothing major has happened since being home. She's gotten some thrush and a diaper rash, probably side effects of the antibiotic, but we got a prescription for it, so what's another medicine at this point.

We've had a pretty intense week with medication and getting trained by a home health nurse on how to administer the antibiotic through her central line. She has to have the antibiotic every 8 hours, so at 7 a.m, 3 p.m. and 11 p.m. we have to hook her all up and let it run through. It takes about 20 minutes each time. And we have to make sure everything stays clean & sterile. Then she has two to three oral medications, twice a day that we have to give her. On Monday night, I was a little overwhelmed, but it's getting easier with time. Being nurse is totally different than just being mom. I just decided to get a notebook, write the day of the week on it and write down exactly what I need to do that day to take care of her needs. The next day is a new day & I'll worry about it when it comes. Some of the meds she only takes Mon & Tues and so forth, so it's hard to keep everything straight. Hard to believe that before long, this will just feel normal to me.

We came home to a clean welcome. Some of my sisters, mom and a good friend came in and cleaned and disinfected our whole house for us. We also had a freezer full of quick prepare meals that Justin's sister & sis-in-law prepared for us, the ward has provided dinners the last few nights and Jace's aunts/cousins decorated his room & left him all sorts of fun gifts, which really made him feel special.

I cannot explain the out-pouring of love that we have received. We have so many people praying for us, attending the temple, serving and doing any and all that they can to help us. So many meals, offers, gifts, well-wishes and words of encouragement have come our way. It just makes us grateful for all the blessings in our lives.

Something that Elder Quentin Cook said in conference keeps sticking out to me. He said, "Regardless of our trials, with the abundance we have today, we would be ungrateful if we did not appreciate our blessings." I just keep thinking of the family & friends we've been blessed with, modern medicine, skilled Dr.'s, our great marriage, faith promoting experiences, our testimonies & knowledge of the gospel, having our beautiful kids and definitely insurance!(One ambulance ride was nearly $900 and we had 2. Wonder how much Life-Flight is?) We will get through this!

We are off to Salt Lake first thing in the morning. Rylee will receive another chemo treatment, they'll check her blood cell levels and she'll be put under for another bone marrow test and spinal puncture. We are hoping and praying that her treatment has been effective so far and hope that the Leukemia cells will have decreased and that they won't have to intensify her treatment. Also hope that her ANC level have gone up, so we don't have to be on such high alert with her immune system. She is wanting to go outside and take a walk so bad. Nothing is worse than being/feeling couped up! She's her mama's daughter in that way. Justin took the kids on a little drive tonight to get them out and about.

Tomorrow will give us a good idea of where we are and where we need to go. Thanks again to everyone who is pulling for our little family!

To Include In Prayers...

Today Rylee had a little bit of a scare- she spiked a really high fever, which is detrimental to her condition right now. Bascially she has an ANC count of 0%, which means that she doesn't have much of an immune system to fight anything off. This is all part of the many changes we'll have in these upcoming months and years- especially with cold & flu season right around the corner. We have to be so careful when her counts are low- a fever could put her back in to the hospital.

She started getting hot, then hotter and it just kept climbing. She got up to about 105 degrees, which for her, we have to be on guard if it gets to 100.3. Our Bishop & wife were at the hospital at the time because he was picking Jus up for the Priesthood session, so they gave her a blessing before they left.

It kept climbing & I was getting a little panicked as they continually kept calling people in to come look at her & evaluate her. She had to get hooked back up to a bunch of the monitors and we had ice packs on her & run some stuff through her IV. It was a little tense there for awhile, but the fever finally broke & after awhile, she was up & alert again.

As you can see this can be a roller coaster. Our nurse said that she didn't want to burst our bubble, but said that if she has anything like this come up tomorrow, then we won't be coming home yet.

So...I know there are a lot of prayers being said on our behalf and I just got thinking about some specific things we need to pray for right now. 1. For her ANC counts to go up so that she can fight stuff off- it's going to be tough when we get home to deal with this especially. When her levels are at zero or even low, it pretty much means no playgroups, nursery, church, grocery stores, malls, large crowds, sick people coming over, we have to avoid fast food and any leftovers or anything that bacteria can grow on quickly if food is left out etc. 2. Also just for her health in general. This will be challenging in cold & flu season. Our goal is that she doesn't get any infection, fever, cold anything- it could really set back her progress. 3. We also ask you to pray that her body will be able to withstand the treatments and that her side affects might be minimal. 4. Just for the strength of our family and ability to accept the changes and challenges ahead.

As we are nearing being able to go home, I am getting a little nervous just about having this all in our hands, especially when we live a distance from care here.

Thanks to all!

A Good Day

Yesterday was a really good day for us. It started out a little hard because Rylee wasn't feeling well and was throwing up as a reaction from the Anesthesia she had during surgery. She also didn't have an appetite at all, so since she couldn't eat anything before surgery the day before, it had been quite awhile since she had anything to fill her tummy.

They gave her some anti-nausea medicine and by mid-afternoon, she was back to her old self again. The coloring has returned to her face, which amazes us that we didn't realize just how pale she had been. Her lips are red again!

Rylee spent most of the day up and alert and was playing with all of her new gifts. Care Bears, coloring books, dolls, books, bears and monkeys! She's gotten the mother load. She was able to unhook from some of her monitors and they let her leave the room (with a little face mask) to go for a little walk to the Oncology clinic where she'll receive chemotherapy. They have one of those little push cars (that we have at home as well), so she and her little Care Bear went for a drive around the hospital. She really enjoyed it. She was happy and was talking, smiling and waving to all the nurses today.

A volunteer also brought in this big fluffy black dog and that really brightened her day. She kept looking and showing people the picture of the dog on our camera. It really is amazing how such small and simple things make a difference.

We spent a lot of the day getting educated on more stuff. It seriously feels like we've been to nursing school and back this week. The quickest degree I've ever received! We also got her treatment schedule, which basically means that we'll give her two different medicines twice a day at home and then every Thursday we'll make the trek to SLC for chemo treatments, bone marrow and blood testing. It will be pretty intense these first few months, but we'll get through it.

We got the results from the spinal tap they did during surgery and no Leukemia cells were found in the spinal fluid, which is good news. All things considered, we have a great diagnosis so far. She is in the standard range and everything is looking good in terms of treatment. It's just the process of it that will be difficult. I'm sure we'll have good days and bad days.

We are really just so appreciative of everyone who has supported us through this. We know that many prayers have been offered on our behalf, our ward held a ward fast yesterday (and it was our best day yet!), our names have been put in several temples and so many well wishes, gifts and visitors have came our way. We will be forever grateful for all of the love and encouragement we have received through these hard days.

If everything keeps going our way, it's looking like we'll be able to leave for home sometime on Sunday. They have to give her a chemo medicine into her muscle if count levels are up, no fever and if everything else looks good. They keep us there for awhile to make sure no adverse reaction happens, but then we'll be free to go. There really is no place like home!