No Sugar-Coating Cancer

We got back tonight from Rylee's second treatment. Today was a very hard day for me. It's just that no matter what way you look at it, there is just no sugar-coating cancer. It is devastating for those that have to endure it.

At clinic today, I saw what cancer is and realized that we are now part of a new club. The cancer Club. A lot of different families with a lot of different circumstances in a lot of different phases of Leukemia. Some of us were at the beginning of our road, some were a few months in and others had been battling this for years. We sat next to an 18 year old hispanic girl named Ashley who was a senior in high school and was diagnosed 3 months ago with ALL. She's into her second phase & seems to have it all figured out. She's been struggling to keep up in her AP classes while battling Leukemia. She's the 3rd of six kids in her family and it was her influence and situation that was a deciding factor for her older brother to serve a mission. She hasn't yet lost her hair, but you can see that it's thinning as she had it pulled up into a pony tail. She left for a minute to go talk to another patient that she once met during a hospital stay. That girl was 8 months in & was wearing a darling and stylish hat. Her hair is gone & Ashley commented that it's only a matter of time until that's her. She knows what's to come. And I realized that we'll be where she is around Christmas time.

As Rylee was getting her Chemo, I asked Ashley what it felt like. I almost wished that I hadn't asked. She said it's so hard for her to see little kids have to go through this, because they just don't understand the why. It is encouraging when you see a room full of strong and resilient children. I admire their courage and long-suffering, yet it is so disheartening that they have to spend so much of their childhood in and out of hospitals, going from one procedure to the next and exposing their bodies to such intense medicines.

I just feel so helpless. We're doing all that we can do to rid this from Rylee's body, yet you feel so bad for having her go through this. I just wish I could take this on for her. The reality of what's ahead really set in today. There is no quick fix. It is a long process with ups and downs. We keep hoping for the best, yet there are moments of discouragment. Her ANC level is still at 0%, her platelet level was low, so she had to get a transfusion today and then they had to put her under for the spinal tap and bone marrow testing. We don't know the results yet, but the Dr. said that it looked like the Leukemia cells are still in the bone marrow and that we'll probably have to do that procedure again next week.

Rylee's spirit amazes me though. Despite everything that going on in her little body, she is still so sweet and is happy and loving. She's still got her spunk, even when she doesn't feel all that great. I'll just look at her and wonder how something so deadly could possibly be inside such a beautiful little person. She's still eating and sleeping well and so far seems to be adjusting to all the medication without too extreme of side affects. Her bones and joints hurt so bad right now that she isn't able to walk- even crawling seems to be uncomfortable to her, especially after treatment. It's difficult to see her regress. They say it will come back though. We were able to stop administering the antibiotic for now, so that relieves some of the medicines. Honestly though, I cannot tell you the sweet and simple blessing it is to go into her room each night and just hear her breath in and breath out. That's what keeps me going.

We continue to receive so many nice care packages. Jace can't decide if it's Christmas or his & Rylee's birthdays everyday. Bless his sweet innocence that doesn't quite understand what's happening to his sister. He came with us today & thought the hospital was great- he got pancakes, donuts and a root beer at the cafeteria, saw a big dog roaming the hospital, made several art projects, played, watched TV and brightened Rylee's day. What a good big brother!