Reflections at a year....Trust in the Lord

"Everybody in this life has their challenges and difficulties. That is part of our mortal test. The reason for some of these trials cannot be readily understood except on the basis of faith and hope because there is often a larger purpose which we do not always understand. Peace comes through hope. We are all subject to sorrow and suffering, to disease and death. Through times good and bad, the Lord expects each of us to endure to the end."

{Russell M. Nelson}

Too often, I think we excuse the miracles and blessings in our lives as coincidence. One of the most incredible experiences we've had during this cancer saga is the realization of how much the Lord is present in our lives. I cannot deny this and never want our family to forget the blessings we've received in the midst of our trial. Even though I wondered if the blog was the most appropriate place for this, I've decided that this needs to be recorded to help us remember that there was something else, something very special, that helped us through this all.

Sometimes life is just about going through the motions. We run from place to place, task to task...wondering what's the point in any of it. However, there are also times when you are stopped in your tracks and truly realize that this life is all part of a plan. Each plan is individual and unique and you are shown the Lord's hand in your life, leading and guiding you down the path that was meant for you. If there is one thing that I could say without a doubt, it's that the Lord works in mysterious ways. He was definitely preparing us for this, for several years really. As I run through the events and details from the beginning of this journey and look back at how the groundwork was being set long ago, I stand all amazed.

This is a little hard to convey in writing, so I'm going to try to break these special experiences/ impressions/blessings up into sections. (P.S. Pictures aren't specific to anything, just random family pictures.)

Oregon Trip:
There were several things that happened prior to Rylee's diagnosis that was preparing me for what was ahead.

• I had had several thoughts about change and expecting the unexpected in my head (look at my blog posts right before diagnosis).


• The weekend before Rylee was diagnosed, we had been in Oregon for Greg's (Justin's brother) wedding. Usually I'm more than up for a little get-away, but there was something telling me that we just needed to go for the wedding and get right back home (considering Rylee's condition, it could have been very devastating if we had extended our stay).


• At Greg & Hailey's wedding, the sealer talked much about how there is no such thing as coincidence-everything happens for a reason, we are led where we need to be, to meet the people we need to meet, etc. The truth of this really touched me and stuck with me. I have since pinpointed many of these so-called "coincidences" than indeed did not just happen by chance.


• One of the more unbelievable aspects of this trip was when Jus & I were driving home. Our kids had been staying at my parents and Rylee did not feel well when we left and was still quite sick while we were away. After talking to my mom on our drive home & her telling me that Rylee wasn't looking so great, I told Justin that I wasn't really looking forward to getting back, because I knew we'd have a big undertaking with Rylee. I said that it worries me because she had been really pale, which means something with the blood, which is probably going to end up being something like Leukemia. Justin of course said that I always expect the worse and that it wasn't going to be Leukemia. (Hate to say I told you so! Hit that nail on the head- once again, no coincidence:)

Day of Diagnosis:
I've often been asked if I was blind-sighted by the news of Rylee's diagnosis. And well, honestly, not really. Like I said, I know I was being prepared. Even when we first got to the ER, the on call pediatrician told us that he didn't think it was leukemia. I didn't get my hopes up, I knew that it probably was. There are so many things that happened that day leading up to the actual diagnosis that did not happen by chance.

• It was one of those days where everything got accomplished (which is very rare most days). Jace was gone to preschool, Rylee was for her nap and I was able to get things in order. It was a tender mercy.


• I remember earlier in the day getting an impression. I was told, "If I didn't give you everything at once, you'd have too much time to worry about one thing." I had been cleaning and such and remember feeling that I needed to get in the shower and get ready for the day (and a very long night ahead of me).


• Later that afternoon, I took Rylee to the Dr. Our favorite (and more trusted) Dr. just so happened to be in that day (he's only in about 1 week out of the month and we had already been mis-diagnosed once at this practice) and he knew immediately that Rylee needed further testing. Usually I'm very independent with Dr. visits and stuff with the kids, but, in this instance, I felt like I needed to call Justin and have him come with me to the hospital for lab work, which he did.


• We came home, had dinner and the Dr. called us, telling us to take Rylee to the ER immediately, her blood work did not look good, it could be a number of things, but most likely a virus in the blood stream or something like leukemia. I immediately went in strong, survival mode. I knew this was going to be significant, yet I kept a relatively calm head about everything. I was being comforted, no doubt. Remember that I was pregnant and everything is usually harder when pregnant.


• When we arrived at the ER, it was no coincidence that our next door neighbor ended up being our nurse. She only works a few days a week at night and it just so happened to be the shift that we were there for. She was in the room when Dr. Hancock gave us Rylee's diagnosis and she immediately jumped in. She knew us, she knew our schedule and the things we were involved in. She got phone numbers, made necessary phone calls and took care of us like only a neighbor, not just a nurse, could have. She became my brain and a huge support- telling Justin what to go gather from home, etc. while we waited for life flight. She also prepped me for convincing the life flight crew to allow Justin to come with me. It also just so happened that her family was leaving the next day for Salt Lake and drove our car down for us.


• Also, when we were still at the ER, my visiting teacher just so happened to call my cell phone, just minutes after the diagnosis, not knowing anything was wrong but just to check in with me(it was the last day of the month). My MIL answered my phone, thinking it was a family member or something and told her the news. Like a good visiting teacher should...she immediately contacted the R.S. President, who contacted the Bishop, who called his counselor and were to visit us at the hospital immediately. The R.S. Pres and Bishops wife (my neighbor) met Justin at the house and helped him as he gathered items for our stay at Primary Children's. This all later led to a ward fast (which ward members were called individually since it was General Conference week) and so much other support from our ward. Never underestimate the importance of visiting teaching- a simple phone call on the last day of the month made all the difference to me that night and in weeks to come.

There were other things that just all lined up. My sisters kept Jace and their kids were out of school for spud harvest and teacher inservice, which gave cousins for Jace to play with and keep him occupied. It was also the week of General Conference, which not only gave us wonderful insight and something to do all those hours in the hospital room, it also brought a lot of people to Salt Lake who visited and supported us at the hospital, which meant so much.

The Precursor: Led back to Idaho:
Although there have been many little miracles along the way, probably the biggest one was our move back to Idaho. About 3 years ago, Jus was finishing up his Master's degree, shopping out jobs to decide where we should land. He had a couple offers in Salt Lake, an offer to head up an office in Evanston, WY or take the job with Rudd & Co. in Idaho that Jus applied for basically on a whim, just to see if it could even compete.

Somehow Rudd managed to beat out all other offers. It's probably no secret that I was less than excited to move back to Idaho, but we really couldn't refuse the offer either. All of this is miraculous to me because just about 1.5 years previous, after Jus had finished with his bachelors, he had been offered a job in Idaho, but it didn't even compare to his job in Salt Lake-salary or benefit wise and now an Idaho job was beating out a higher market? Besides the fact that Justin's job has been flexible and so supportive of us, the truth is is that we needed to be in Idaho. I can't even imagine going through this without the support we've had here. If there are three crucial things that have saved us through this it has been 1. our family for their support and help, 2. having a local and reputable pediatric oncologist in our community(who moved to Idaho basically same time as we did) and 3. for the additional insurance assistance we've received as Idaho residents.

One of the social workers at Primary Children's asked us where we were from. After we said Idaho, she said, "You guys are so lucky to be from Idaho. They are one of only two states that offer an insurance assistance program (Katie Beckett-acts as a secondary insurance) for children with certain diseases/conditions." Leukemia happens to be one of the qualified conditions and we just so happened to be from Idaho. (We have been told that many people in our situation end up having to file medical bankruptcy). As soon as she said that, I was humbled and overcome with gratitude. I looked at Justin and told him that was why we needed to be in Idaho & why things worked out as they did. At that moment, everything became very clear to me. This was all part of a plan. We had been prepared. We had been led to where we needed to be, by the people we needed to be with. The Lord truly works in mysterious ways. He has not left us comfortless and with the help we have received, he has not given us more than we can handle. We've been so blessed.

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths." Prov. 3:5–6

"I testify that bad days come to an end, that faith always triumphs and that heavenly promises are always kept."

{Elder Holland}